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 Actually, I wanted the other one...

 

 

 

 

         
 

THE

UNITED WORLD UNDERGR0UND

NEWSLETTER

 
 

Vol.14 No.2        New Year 2001

 
 

HAPPY NEW MILLENNIUM!*

*Not applicable to the following:

  • Strange folks what live in funny countries that start the year in the middle of any old month that happens to take their fancy, instead of at the beginning of January like normal people.

  • Them  what think it’s still the 15th century coz they started counting their prophets at a different fiscal point.

  • All the mathematically challenged types what did it a year early.

  • If I’m not very much mistaken, that just leaves Cubans. Así, especialmente por ellos Feliz Ańo Nuevo!

 
 

GREETINGS!

       Well, okay… it's January 2001, and maybe the Summer 2000 issue of the M&E News is a weeny bit late. Just a smidgen, the odd half a year or so. What can I say? I was confused by Millenniums being officially reduced to 999˝ years long. Honest. Plus, the issue was supposed to be called “Summer 2000”, right? Summer? If we did have one, I must have been asleep that afternoon. Hmmph. Hardly surprising I missed an issue if England missed a season, is it? Aren’t you foreign types pleased you don’t live here too? Apart from those of you that do. That’ll teach you. Want your heads examined, you do. Be smart, move to Tenerife. Or anywhere nicer than England (a shortlist of 197 countries available on request, SAE to “Whinging Poms PLC”)!

       It’s odd really. I mean, this last year has flown by, whereas the last M&E News seems like aeons ago. Though admittedly, that might be because it was aeons ago! The Americans even managed to elect a President since I did it. Nice of them Americans to keep the world amused for a couple of months, wasn’t it? What a palaver! Apparently, a simple error on a form lead to George W. Bush applying for the job of President. Gush vs. Bore, the evil of two lessers. Then again, it’s not just that. It seems like so much has happened since the last issue, which, I seem to recall, was last April / May. How can the year have gone so quickly and so much have happened? That’s like having a very large cake that is all gone after a single bite, innit? Shit, what a nightmarish thought, a vanishing cake… whimper! But I digress, which you will all know is most unlike me!

       So anyway, it's a wintry Saturday morning, in Surrey Heath. January 13th 2001, open the pod door, Hal. A little chilly, but at least it isn’t raining! Hallelujah! The man from Del Monte, he say yeah! Seriously, it does make a very pleasant change. England has been swimming over the last few months. That’s why we all put “BYOB” on barbecue invites over here… “bring your own brolly!” Honestly, I kept expecting to see an ark full of animals go by the window at any time. Had Esther Williams playing in our garden. But all is cool now, Vic Fontaine is crooning on the stereo (an obscure reference if you're not a Trekkie!), a cup of coffee steams away on my desk, I'm in the mood for doing a newsletter. Insert fanfare of your choice here.

       And how could we have an M&E News without a Wil Walker cartoon taking the piss out of our ongoing kitchen thing? You couldn't, huh? He feels this compulsion, being a DIY man himself (think about it ☺)! For the foreign types amongst you, “Changing Rooms” is one of them room makeover shows on the telly. In this particular one, a pretentious camp dandy and Bob The Builder, using only MDF and Day-Glo shocking pink paint, take a perfectly normal room and transform it into an uninhabitable bohemian nightmare. Then the room’s owners are bought back in and told to open their eyes. And their faces go all red and they cry and stuff. Then everybody points at them and laughs.

       Of course, we only put up with Wil coz he sends us lots of marzipan, ta kissy kissy. Plus the odd cartoon does brighten up the newsletter, he added begrudgingly. But okay, his finger was kind of on the pulse, the kitchen was indeed part of the reason the Summer 2000 issue never came to pass. However, one is pleased to announce that it is now finished! Well, when I say “finished”… um… okay, there’s still a weeny bit more carpet tile cut bits to go down… and a weeny bit of gloss work touch ups. But it is fully operational and looks awfully nice, darling. Especially the Laura Ashley prints in the pantry. So was it worth all the time and effort? Was it bollocks! DIY – DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME! There were times I thought it would never end. There we were, putting up the ceramic tiles, watching civilisations rise and fall through the vertical blind. On and on it went, chipping away at our morale, dragging us to the depths of despair, like listening to a Westlife album. But all things must pass (especially Westlife, please God), and it’s over, the metabolically challenged lady has sung!

 

I knew we shouldn’t have chosen Mick’s kitchen...

now we’ll have to call the show “Un-Changing Rooms”!

(Wil Walker, age 8˝, mentally speaking)


OOH, IS THERE REALLY A NICE MAGIC INTERVIEW WITH WIL WALKER THAT I CAN PRETEND TO READ?


       That wasn’t the only reason for the delay though, honest. I not been well. Poor Magic. I tried having a l-o-n-g break over the Summer, took five weeks off, that’s how poorly I was. Poor poor Magic. Helped some, but not quite enough, sadly. Sammi stayed at home with me the first week. Not coz she cares about me or anything, it was just to make sure I finished tiling the kitchen. Poor poor poor Magic. Fortunately, the drugs do work and I seem to be past the worst of it now. Though I’m not averse to milking it for every last drop of sympathy, naturally! It’s a man thing. Suffering with depression can be quite horrid, though I believe I’m in good company, there’s been a lot of famous depressives over the years. Only one I can think of at the moment though is Marvin the paranoid android from “Hitch-Hikers Guide To The Galaxy”. Typical, innit? Bet I’ll remember bucketloads of megastar depressives  after I’ve printed this off. Is that the correct plural? A school of whales, a flock of seagulls, a bucketload of depressives… yeah, sounds about right. It’s kinda like being awoken from stasis in the 30th century, only to discover there was a terrible nuclear holocaust (bang), and the only music that survived from your lifetime was a “Westlife’s Greatest Hits” 10 CD boxed set! ☺ Get the idea? That bad!

       Still, like I said, I’m much better now and it’s all systems go! Lots of news, Boyzone interview, reviews, baby photos, tons of great new music, a picture of a goat, a brand new M&E compilation CD, your chance to win a million, the best of 2000 M&E charts, Teletubby look-alike competition, oodles of special offers, championship cheese-bingo and a partridge in a pear tree as we’re dragged screaming into the new millennium! Thanks to your support, the adventure continues…

Mick Magic


“The strength of the underground movement has always been the ability of its constituent parts to work with eachother without rivalry, that had definitely been fading lately. I just wanted to throw some shit at the fan!”

Mick Magic (Music & Elsewhere)

“BRAVO!”

Terri B (Stone Premonitions)


 

TAKE ME TO PAGE 2 WITH THESE MAGIC WORDS...