Neil Crud, Twizz and meself in Blackpool for
the Rebellion festival in 2019
Here's something to bring a
smile to your faces; an infamous hardcore punk band named after a slang term
for the male member appearing on an arty compilation released by the
Ensemble For Sound Poetry And Contemporary Music group! That's Cruddy's
street cred out the window. Neil Crud, Sound Poet Laureate Of Rhyl. Love it!
Actually, I've loved Cruddy's (*other Spam Javelin band members are
available) music since he sent M&E a Sons Of Selina demo cassette early in
1992 and have always wanted to do something with him, but Covid being what
it is, this is as close as we're likely to get for the foreseeable future,
I was actually at something of
a loss for what to do for EFSPACM's March project to start with. Javelins,
that was the theme. Long pointy things that you throw. Skit and I tried
chucking darts at each other for inspiration, none came, though we did get
through a considerable amount of plasters and paracetamol.
"Nazi Line Dancers Fuck Off!"
"Where!?" I jumped up, looking
"No, twat," he said with
affection, "Spam Javelin song, the Bullet do mash up, yas!"
He may be a spikey-haired
man-child, but sometimes he borders on creative genius. A few days earlier,
we'd been doing some special intros to go with some airplay on Tim Jones
"Down The Rabbit Hole" radioshow, a-la-Borg, not Bjorn the tennis player,
the scary cyborg dudes from Star Trek (*other sci fi series are available,
but come on, Star Trek's the best), the concepts somehow fitted together
beautifully. That was it, don't do a mash up, assimilate them! So Skit and I
fired up the cube and flew trans-warp to the Liverpool suburb of North
"We are the The Magic Bullet."
"You will be assimilated."
"Open your door and surrender your instruments."
"We will add your punk style and musical distinctiveness to our own."
Spam Javelin threaten U.S. national
security with four support slots...
Funny story - in a kind of it
was a really awful experience, quite scary and damned nigh bankrupt them
kind of way; when that photo (top left) was taken, Cruddy was quite excited
coz the band were just about to hit the U.S.A. for a few dates. They'd
checked out the time consuming, prohibitively expensive and uncertain
process of applying for a work permit there and realised the trip would most
likely cost them money, rather than make any, and that was
assuming they were allowed to do it in the first place. So they figured the
safest and most sensible way forward was to borrow all the gear in situ and
just play for beers, a hot meal and the joy of showing off the three chords
they knew. Looking forward to offending a new audience, they boarded the
flight for Minneapolis, a quiet and uneventful little place on the
Mississippi, and proceeded to soar across the Atlantic. What could possibly
So there they are in the queue
for passport control when Homeland Security (sadly not Claire Danes) pulls
them out and frog-marches them to an interrogation suite. Okay, it wasn't
wet cloths and buckets of water, but it soon became clear that the threat a
Welsh punk band posed to the safety of America was already a known factor
there. They knew everything; they knew the three of them were a band, they
knew where the gigs were happening, they knew what Spam Javelin meant, and
they were having none of it. They may have missed a terrorist plot to fly
planes into the twin towers of the World Trade Center and prevent nearly
3,000 deaths, but at least they saved a few hundred club goers from hearing
"Crack Whores Of Betws Garmon".
The end result? Deportation! 45
minutes later, in just the time it would take a rogue state to deploy their
weapons of mass destruction, they were on a plane home. Home? Did I say
home? Iceland. Iceland is NOT a suburb of Liverpool. I am, of
course, talking about the country, not the freezer shop, they could have got
a bus home from there. From Iceland the country, however, it took a flight
to Copenhagen first. Copenhagen is also NOT a suburb of
Liverpool. To add insult to injury, when they were going through customs in
Copenhagen, they asked how long the band had been together! No further U.S.
tours are planned at this time...
Resistance is futile?